It all started on my 54th birthday, when my wife gifted me the sexiest, most age-indicting item imaginable: reading glasses.
But these weren’t your garden-variety, half-moon, dad-at-a-menu glasses. These were Tony Stark-level, EDITH-style Ray-Ban MetaGlasses. Think James Bond meets Silicon Valley start-up founder; if that guy also moonlighted as a barista with a killer pour-over technique.
This, dear reader, is where the story begins.
Act one: a brave bout of adulting. I made an optometrist appointment. Not for anything dramatic, just to get fitted for progressive lenses so I could slide them into my shiny new CyberSpecs. That act alone earned me a mental badge of honor and a quiet nod from my inner grown-up.
Weeks passed. Then more. Because nothing says “cutting edge” like delivery times that remind you of steam engines and handwritten telegrams. But when the MetaGlasses finally arrived? Oh, honey. It was like putting on a Ducati helmet made of charisma and subtle flexes.
They looked like something a Bond villain would wear if he were designing an eco-friendly espresso machine in a loft somewhere. Sleek, panoramic, suspiciously comfortable. Tech this good should come with a legal disclaimer.
But these weren’t just good-looking sunglasses with a superiority complex. They talked. They sang. They murmured poetry into your ears through invisible speakers perched near your ear canals. No earbuds. No wires. Just ambient wizardry whispering productivity.
And that’s where the magic kicked in. Because I realized, mid-dog-walk, that I was writing emails. Dictating newsletters. Brainstorming strategy decks with my GPT agent like a caffeinated, slightly sweaty creative director pacing the Earth. I wasn’t just mobile; I was a human content factory on legs. All without touching a key.
Need a pitch deck while buying almond milk? Done. Want to outline your next podcast while folding laundry? Already drafted. The MetaGlasses turned every sidewalk into a boardroom and every errand into a creative sprint.
They’re glorious on airplanes, perfect for ambient music or guided meditation, and just plain awesome at tuning out the world without going full hermit. Unlike noise-canceling earbuds, which are fortresses of solitude, these let in just enough humanity to keep you safe and socially acceptable.
And then came the Costco Incident.
Scene: checkout lane. Nearby: pizza ovens. Me: convinced I’m having a stroke because I smell burning toast. Obviously.
I glance at my wife, eyes wild. She raises one eyebrow, the universal sign for, "Stop diagnosing yourself on WebMD."
Then; like a movie trailer cue; swelling orchestral music. Not from the PA system. From inside my skull.
Turns out, I had completely forgotten I was wearing the MetaGlasses. They had auto-played a classical playlist straight into my ears. The burning toast? Very real. The stroke? Pure imagination, seasoned with tech-induced confusion.
Weeks later, on a tense video call full of sharp suits and sharper tongues, one partner weaponized sarcasm like a pro. At that exact moment, a text from a friend on the call buzzed through: a cheeky apology for said sarcasm.
Before I could blink, my heroic MetaGlasses read the message out loud.
To me.
To the room.
To everyone on the call.
It was like being pantsed at a diplomatic summit by your own belt.
Thankfully, no names were named. We all just kept going, emotionally stuffing the moment into a box labeled “Never Speak Of This Again.”
Do I still love them? Absolutely. Will I wear them in sensitive situations again? Only if I’m feeling reckless or heavily sedated.
They’re ideal for travelers, creatives, and low-key spies. The built-in 1080p camera lets you document your day like you’re filming a documentary called Grocery Store Gladiators: The Snack Aisle Wars. Or, better yet, dictate your next article while doing a midnight dog-walk through the neighborhood like a caffeinated monk on a pilgrimage that instead of chanting; collaborates with a GPT co-pilot. One who is a near flawless listener, also doesn’t sleep, and has a slight edge on us "hoomans" because unlike people, the AI's don't complain, worry about taxes or require coffee.
Final score? 8.5 out of 10. For the price, they’re smarter than sunglasses have any right to be.
Just keep them away from pizza counters. And conference calls. And definitely your imagination.
